All For The Love Of Joshua Intro: this is a story I wrote about a month ago to apply for a writing job that had to do with what is called a life thread. A moment in time that changed the course of your entire life, and how it has effected your life. I figured this store was probably the life thread that stood out the most for me, and thought of it as a fairly interesting read. So sit back, maybe brew a pot of coffe cuz it's a long read, but well worth the time.
Lisa sat in front of her computer as she did most days. Lately she had been using it (admittedly) as a form of escape from her most depressingly stressful life. It seemed she spent more and more time in front of the computer than she did dealing with the problems that were causing the stress in the first place. She knew this was wrong, but she somehow couldn't help herself. Life on the internet seemed far better than the one she was living now. Her eight year old son was tearing up her apartment as usual, and no amount of chastising or punnishment seemed to make him stop. He was currently ripping the cushions off the couch and throwing them at the dog that had recently taken to this nasty habbit of pooping in various spots throughout the house. Her husband was sitting in front of the TV playing Need For Speed 3 on the Sony Playstation, ignoring their son and the destruction he was causing.
Lisa had spent many years trying to control the boy's destructive tendancies, and had finally just given up. And that is why she sat here now, in front of the computer completely engrossed in a chat with a young man named Joshua Mears that she had recently met in a chat room on Yahoo. He seemed so understanding, and empathic, and she was drawn to him for his poetic and sweet nature. He had such a good grip on reality and gave her the escape she was looking for from her pathetically depressing life.
He gave her the compliments that she sought so hard for from her husband but never got, he cared about her more than anyone had ever cared for her before, and they shared so much in common with the way they were brought up, and the life ordeals they had experienced that they were almost kindred spirits. he had said he was only 18, and lisa was a bit older at 25, but the age difference didn't seem to matter much to her as he presented a maturity far beyond that of most people she knew that were 3 times his age.
She had to admit, (despite the fact that it went against her moral code) she was starting to rapidly develop strong feelings for her new friend Josh. She had always thought (before she met Josh anyway) that people who used the internet for dating were complete losers, but talking to Josh had begun to change her perspective on the whole issue. At times she had begun to feel that if he had asked her, she would just run away with him to where ever he asked her to go, and they would live together and love each other in perfect blissfull happiness, and she would never have to worry about her useless husband, or her destructive uncontrollable ADHD son or her pathetically boring and low waged job again. They would live a life where love is all they needed and stress was a thing of the past. But then she would come back to reality. She was a married woman, and as much as she cared for Josh, it could never happen.
Today was a bit different than most days however, as she had found out that her husband was doing things behind her back, and that he had recently joined up with a gang that she knew was going to get him in alot of trouble. Lisa could feel the impending doom creeping up on her with this new found knowledge and felt she just HAD to talk to her friend Josh about it to see what he had to say, and if he could help her figure out how to make it better somehow.
Josh, of course, was very concerned when he heard about the news and told her that she really needed to get out of the situation she was in before it became too catastrophic for her to fix. And as much as Lisa knew that his advice was good, sound advice, she could not bring herself to leave the only father her son ever knew, as it would cause her son to react even MORE distructively. She was afraid of going against the vows she had taken so many years ago when she was 16 to love honor and cherish this worthless man, despite how miserable he made her each day.
And although Josh stirred something within her that had never stirred before, and despite the fact he made her feel alive and full of love for him, she never told him how he made her feel, as to admit it would be (to her) nearly as bad as cheating on her husband. She wanted so much to be the faithful wife, and have control of the situation, but it seemed the harder she tried, the more resistance she got from both him, and her son, and inevitably that is what made her give up trying.
So now she sat in front of the glow of the computer screen typing away to Josh who was living way out in the sticks of Vermont in a beat up old trailor with his mother (who was about as useless as Lisa's husband was) trying to absorb herself in the distraction of the internet and Josh's love, kindness, and understanding.
She thirsted for it the way someone who had been stranded in the desert for weeks might thirst for even a tiny drop of water. He had quickly become her only grip on reality, her only way of keeping things together within her own distraught mind. She clung to him the way someone might cling to a sturdy deep rooted vine on the side of a cliff, as though if to let go would be a painful and certain death. And he seemed to do the same with her. Without each other they both felt lost and alone. They became closer and closer with each time they talked and felt a love deeper and stronger than anything ever written in any fairy tale or romance novel. A love completely undefinable, yet unspoken and taboo.
This would continue to go on for another year, her Husband Jamie posing one stress after another, and her son continuing to cause one disasterous problem after another, and lisa getting more and more absorbed in this pattern to try to ignore it all. Then one day....
Her husband told her he was going to go out for a pack of smokes and didn't return for 2 days. She had made dinner that day for when he got back, but since he did not return she wrapped it up and put it in the fridge. And she sat in front of the computer again, talking to Josh about how worried she was that he had not returned. Josh's suspicions were that he had found some other woman to occupy his time which the very thought of that suggestion made Lisa's blood boil.
But the truth was soon to be laid on the table as there was a knock on the door that afternoon. It was the landlord. Apparently, the money lisa had given to Jamie to pay the rent had not gone to the landlord like he had said, but rather...had gone somewhere else entirely, and the landlord handed her an eviction notice that stated he had been doing this for at least 3 months now. "I'm not sure what happened Lisa." he said, "You used to be such good tenants, and it pains me to have to give this notice to you."
"Honestly, Robert..." she replied "I'm not sure how this happened either. I gave the money to Jamie to give to you, and he was supposed to pay you. I'm as confused as you are. I am terribly sorry for all of this. If I can find a way to pay you, I promise, I will."
But she somehow knew there was no way she would every be able to pull herself out of a debt this big just working at Burger King. The pathetic $6.50 an hour job was certainly not going to compensate a debt that had now become well over a thousand dollars. Her brain ached at the thought of it and the new stress now added to the ever growing pile of stressfull crap in her life. She wanted to cry, but instead she just thanked him and shut the door.
She sat on the couch for a moment and began to cry. She cried for nearly 3 hours, untill it seemed she had no more tears left to shed. How had her life become so messed up?
The heat had been shut off due to a lack of money to pay the bill, so she had taken to heating the house with the oven which was electric and not gas like the heat. Thankfully, the electric was included in the rent or the whole family would have frozen that winter.
The biggest concern now was how to catch up on rent when she can barely put food on the table to begin with... she worried. So she set the notice beside the computer and proceeded to tell Josh about it as she now took to telling him EVERYTHING. There were things she could tell him that she couldn't tell anyone else in the world, not even her mother, and yet somehow she felt perfectly at ease doing so. GOD how she loved this man.
Josh told her to be careful, but that she had to bring the subject up with Jamie as soon as he came home...IF he came home. It had now been 2 days since she had seen or heard from her husband, but she knew that it is something she couldn't just avoid by sitting in front of the computer.
She had locked the front door, so if he did try to come home she would know by the sound of his keys opening the lock. She figured that would give her a few seconds to prepare a bit. So the two of them talked for hours and in the conversation, something had happened that had never happened before...he told her that he loved her. Her heart sang with a new light when she read those words on the screen, for he had finally said what she had been thinking this whole time. She wrote back..."I love you too josh, ...more than you know. These past few years you have become my only grip on reality, my pillar of strength, and the only person in the whole world that I know I can turn to when there is just too much to deal with. I love you dearly, and if I could, I would carry you away to Texas with me today."
"My dear sweet Lisa," he responded, "your words fill my heart with so much joy. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, and all you would have to do is ask."
Although the thought was nice, and she kind of knew it might never happen, it was a sweet dream all the same. The idea of just packing up and moving to Texas was a bit absurd as she DID have a son to think about and just how would it be possible to just up and leave everything she knew here in New Hampshire? But Texas was a wonderful dream to hold on to. "Some day," she thought to herself. "Someday when things aren't quite so hectic, when my son is grown, I will make it there."
Finally, around nearly midnight, she heard the familiar sound of the keys jingling in the lock, and swallowed hard as she knew the conversation she had to have with Jamie was not going to be pleasant. But she gritted her teeth and waited for him to enter.
He came stumbling in the door, all bloodshot and with dilated eyes. He was more than drunk, she knew that, it was painfully obvious, and that made what she had to do infinitely more difficult that it already was. But stoned or not, he would have to face the truth tonight. So, she toughened up, and decided to just come right out with it and lay her cards on the table; so to speak.
"I have something here I need to talk to you about Jamie. It's very important." she said trying desperately to keep her cool and not sound accusatory as she knew he had a very volatile temper when he was in this condition. "I think we need to have a very serious discussion."
"Can't this wait?" he complained as he plopped himself on the couch in front of the TV. He was getting ready to turn the Playstation on again and that lit a fuse in her. She was beginning to get angry, but for the sake of the situation, she kept her anger in check.
"No Jamie, this can't wait, and please don't start that danged contraption right now. I really need your attention now...please!"
"I can talk and play at the same time" he said as he started to turn the TV on.
"NO DAMNIT! I need your complete attention for this! This has to do with the welfare of this family, and if you care at ALL you will listen to me RIGHT NOW!" She had lost her temper. She regretted yelling at him the second the words were out of her mouth, but she just couldn't help it. He infuriated her so bad with his complete lack of concern for anyone but himself. Lately it seemed all he really cared about was that damned Playstation.
"Oh, quit being so melodramatic!" he said as he started to turn on the machine.
"OK! THAT'S IT! I HAVE HAD IT!" she screamed as she ripped the plugs to the tv and playstation out of the socket "YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW! EVEN IF I HAVE TO TAKE THE TV AND PLAYSTATION AND THROW THEM OUT IN THE FUCKING STREET!"
At this point she knew she had crossed the line, but she was beyond caring now. She just wanted him to listen to her, just once! And he was being so damned ostentatious and overbearingly dismissive that it made her blood boil.
But her actions seemed to strike a chord in him too, for she could see the anger in his eyes before he even spoke. A wave of fear and regret swept through her as she began to worry about what she had done. He was mad alright. Madder than an old wet hen. The vein on his head began to throb as he stood up from the couch.
"YOU CUNT!" he yelled "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM! YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW NOT TO FUCK WITH ME! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO BEAT YOU BEFORE YOU GET THE POINT YOU USLESS BITCH!" he said as he smacked her across the face hard enough to knock her down.
Although the stinging pain wracked her head as the handprint welled up on her face, her anger had taken over at this point, and she just couldn't stop. Her son was in his bedroom and she was SURE he could hear all this, as no one in their right mind could possibly sleep through all this yelling. Her heart broke at the thought of him hearing all these painfull words, and that just made her angrier and somehow gave her new strength to end this once and for all.
She got up from the floor as though she had not even been fazed by the slap (although her face stung like a thousand bee stings and she was sure part of her jaw was broken from the impact) and although it hurt to even move her mouth she continued speak.
"I just got an eviction notice from the landlord jamie! we have one week to move out or pay the past due rent!"
Just mentioning the eviction notice made her even angrier as she began to yell again. "WHERE THE FUCK HAS ALL THE MONEY BEEN GOING THAT I GAVE TO YOU! UP YOUR DAMNED NOSE????!!!!! YOU HAVE BECOME NOTHING BUT A WORTHLESS DRUG ADDICT JAMIE AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE YOU JUST SIT THERE ON YOUR BLOODY HIGH HORSE PLAYING THAT DAMNED PLAYSTATION, AND PRETEND LIKE I'M THE BAD GUY IN ALL THIS! WELL I'M SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF TAKING ALL THE BLAME IN THIS, WHEN you JAMIE, ARE THE ONE TO BLAME! EITHER OWN UP TO IT OR GET THE FUCK OUT! I'M SICK OF YOU DESTROYING THIS FAMILY! YOUR DAMNED DRUG HABBIT IS RUINING THIS FAMILY AND I WILL NOT STAND BY WHILE YOU STUFF ALL OUR RENT MONEY UP YOUR NOSE OR IN YOUR DAMNED VEINS! I WANT A DIVORCE!"
"You'll never leave me," he said "you don't have the balls. Just go to bed, and I'll take care of it." he said indignantly.
"Like I'm going to be able to sleep now! You just nearly broke my freaking jaw, and I'm stressed to the hilt from your bullshit! Just how do you plan on 'taking care of it', Jamie? You don't even have a job you usless piece of SHIT! What are you going to do? Rob a freakin' bank?"
"No you fucking CUNT! I'll just ask my brother Tim to help us out! Now shut the fuck up before I give you another slap!"
"Oh yeah...just like you, go running to your brother when ever you have a problem! When are you going to start being a man and taking care of your own problems instead of running to TIM every time you have one? It's pretty sad when I'M more of a man than YOU are. I have NEVER had to ask my family for a red cent since I left home at 14! You however go running to them when ever the littlest thing goes wrong! Which I MIGHT add you are generally the CAUSE OF in the FIRST PLACE! You're a fucking coward who can't even solve his own self inflicted problems!"
"You know what? FUCK YOU! I'm going to Tim's. I don't need this shit." he said as he grabbed his coat as stormed out of the house."
After he left, her son came creeping slowly out of his room, looking around to see if he was really gone.
"Mom..." he said "are you ok?"
"Yes dear. I'll be fine. Mommy's just feeling a bit stressed right now is all hun."
"I'll get you some ice for that bruise. it looks pretty bad," he said.
Tears started welling up in her eyes as he said that. How she HATED for him to see all this. She KNEW it wasn't good for him, and that it was WHY he acted the way he did. But it was a catch 22. How could she raise him without help? Her family surely wouldn't help her, there was literally no one to turn to. And if she left Jamie, Justin would no longer have a father (despite what a miserable excuse of one he was, she did not want to put her son through that). She was torn literally in two, and her heart just couldn't take the hurt anymore.
Justin grabbed the step stool and went to the freezer. He grabbed the ice cube tray and put a bunch of ice cubes in a ziplock bag for his mother, wrapped them in paper towels and gently placed it on her jaw that was already welling up in a pretty big bruise. It took up nearly half her face.
Lisa's heart broke in two at the change in Justin's behavior. He was no longer the destructive little demon he had been earlier in the week, but a nurturing little boy who seemed genuinely concerned and full of love for his mother. It pained her that it had to come to something like this before he would show his love for her. And she knew it was because he had a piss poor role model for a father, and if things were different, he could be such a wonderful child. It made her love him deeply, and she gave him a big hug, and told him, "No matter what happens Justin, I want you to know that I love you very much. But I have a feeling that things are only going to get worse from here, and I know you are much to young to have to think like this, but I'm going to need you to be strong for me, ok?"
"Ok mum. I love you too. Dad can be such a jerk sometimes. Why does he treat you so badly?"
"I don't know sweetie. I wish I had some answers for you. all I can say is daddy is very sick. And he has a problem that only he can fix. But he just doesn't want to fix it. He can't seem to see that it is hurting us, and the problem is so bad it makes him not even care."
"He wasn't always like this." he said. "I remember when we used to have fun... and play at the park, and go places like Chucky Cheeze, and we would go visit the rest of the family and I would get to play with my cousins and stuff. What happened that made him so mean?"
Lisa was at a loss for words at the moment as she pondered how to answer such a grown up question. It broke her heart that he even had to ask it. "Son, your daddy ended up with a bad bunch of men. They make him do all kinds of bad things, and by doing all those bad things, he became a very bad person. I have been trying to get him to stop, but he is so far involved now that he can't back out. The drugs are the worst of it, and I need you to promise me that you will never do those nasty things. You are better than that Justin. I know you are. Drugs make good people turn very bad, and they destroy families. They tear them apart at the roots and leave nothing behind but broken pieces and shattered lives."
"So the drugs are what makes him mean? Why doesn't he just stop using them then?" he asked, obviously confused by it all.
"it's not that easy I'm afraid. See...drugs are an addiction...do you know what that means?"
"I think so." he said. "isn't it like a habit? Like how you smoke cigarettes?"
"Exactly like that actually, and you are very smart to pick up on that. Yes, even cigarettes are a drug, and although they are not nearly as bad as the drugs that your father is taking, they ARE addictive just like HIS drugs. And some drugs, like the ones your father takes have very bad side effects, and if he stopped all at once, it can cause very serious health problems, sometimes even death. If he DOES quit, it will take alot out of him physically AND mentally. But I have a feeling he will never quit. And it saddens me greatly to feel that way."
With that said, Justin started to cry. "Why did he do it then? He must have known that this would happen. Why would he want to hurt us?"
Lisa could no longer contain her tears now, seeing her sweet little boy crying and not having an answer to his obviously heartfelt question just made it worse. Together they just held each other, her with the icepack on her face and one arm wrapped around his shoulders, and him with both hands wrapped around her waist, crying for all it was worth.
"I'm sorry, Justin, I really wish I had an answer for you." she said through her streaming tears. "But I will try to make it right. I promise. I can't bear to see you this way. But it is past your bedtime, and I'm pretty sure your father won't be coming home for a while and you have school in the morning, so here...I'll tuck you in".
With that she walked him to his room and he climbed into his bed. Lisa pulled his blankets up close to his chin and gently kissed him on the cheek. A dull ache crept across her face as she did, reminding her of the horror that had just transpired. Pushing it aside in her mind, she told Justin that she loved him, and to try to get some sleep. And with that, she went out into the living room and sat in front of the computer. She REALLY needed to talk to Josh now.
She opened Yahoo Messenger, and saw that he was still online, and her heart felt a little better already. "Oh, thank god!" she thought as she sent a message out. "Well, I talked to him about it, or should I say yelled at him I guess, but he didn't really leave me much of a choice," it said.
"What happened my love? are you ok?"
"No. I feel heartbroken and like my whole life is falling apart at the seams, and there's nothing I can do about it."
"Oh sweetie," he replied "I wish I was there to just hold you and kiss you and make it all better. Maybe we SHOULD run away together. Things here aren't much better I'm afraid, and leaving would be a godsend for me as well."
"Yes, but I can't just leave, I have my son to think about too. He needs me here. I want so MUCH to be able to just leave with you, believe me. I really wish I could. My love for you is deeper and stronger than I have felt for anyone in my entire LIFE! But you must know my son comes first."
There was an awkward pause and then his reply came back "Yes, I know sweetie, and you are such a good mother to put him first, but you must think of yourself too. If you stay I fear only bad things will happen. And I know you are smart enough to know that too. I love you and I don't want anything bad to happen to you."
"Again, you are right Josh, but it is a catch 22 you see. I can't exactly pick up and leave as I do not have a car or a license, I would have to hitch-hike, and I can't very well do that with an innocent 9 year old boy in tow. I love my son, and I will not put him through the dangers of hitch-hiking. With my luck I would get into the car of the only serial killer in New Hampshire or something."
"HA HA HA!! I suppose you have a point." he said "but you have to do SOMETHING!"
"Yes, I know. I will talk to my friend Lori across the street tomorrow after Justin goes to school, and see what she has to say about it all. I may have to put on alot of cover all first though. I have a very nasty bruise from Jamie's little outburst tonight, and I don't want her to see that. Nor do I want her to know how bad it REALLY is here. But maybe she won't mind taking custody of Justin or something, as much as I hate to do that. God knows my family won't help me, that's a given. After the way they acted the last time the state took him I doubt I can rely on them for anything."
"God sweetie," he expressed "How can one person deal with all that you do, and not go crazy? I used to think my life was bad, and still do to an extent, but you must be an incredibly strong woman to be able to hold it together as well as you have, for so long. How do you do it?"
She paused as she thought about the question. She knew the answer, but dare she say it? at this point she figured things were pretty much over between her and Jamie, even if she didn't leave right away, the marriage (or what was left of it anyway) was over. So she decided to tell him how she really felt.
"You my love. You are my strength. you are my love, and my sanity, the one thing that makes my life make sense. The one person who I can always turn to for the voice of reason, and for the love I so desperately need right now. If I could just pack my bags and run to you right now, I would do it in a heart beat. I know it's wrong...I mean...I'm a married woman, but it is how I feel. you give me strength."
There was an even longer pause as she watched the banner at the bottom of the screen tell her josh was typing.
"My dear Lisa, you fill my heart with so much love with your kind words, that it feels as though it will overflow. Never have I felt this strongly for anyone. And the joy I feel, knowing that even in some small way I am helping you, makes me so happy. You are a wonderful, intelligent and amazing woman, and you have so much love in your heart. It is such a shame that Jamie can not see that. All I want for you is the very best, because you deserve it. You are a woman to be admired and cherished Lisa. And if I were your husband you would never have to worry about anything like this ever again. I only wish there was some way we could be together so I could hold you and make all the hurt go away."
She started to cry again, not out of sorrow, but rather love. his words made her feel so loved. As they always did. GOD she loved this man! How could a person be so amazingly sweet and charming? Most men would have called her stupid for staying and gave up on her, but Josh always stuck by her, he was always there to make her feel better, to love her when no one else seemed to. How amazing he was.
She replied, "I love you so much Josh, and someday we WILL be together, I promise. It just may take a while. And we will run off together and move to Texas where life is simpler, and the weather is warmer, and the people are kinder. No longer will we have to deal with angry, hateful people. We will find a little ranch somewhere with a couple horses and ride around together like lovers in a fairy tale. Someday..."
"That sounds so wonderful my love. I will dream of that day tonight and it will fill my heart with joy. I hope someday comes soon, because it seems like it's so far off right now. If only there was some way we could do it right now, I would leave with you this very second and not look back."
"If only it were possible, but I promise the day that is it, I will come to get you. I swear. Even if I have to hitch-hike the whole way. But for now, I must go to bed as it is late, and I am a bit drained after what happened tonight. I will talk to you again tomorrow, my love. Till then, sweet dreams."
"Indeed...I will dream of us together in Texas, holding each other and riding 2 beautiful horses across the open plains."
"Someday hun...I promise...it will happen. Good night sweetie."
"Good night."
The next day she awoke with her jaw throbbing something awful, bringing back the events of the night before with all too sharp of a clarity. She winced as she touched the swollen bump on her jaw. It was 6am,and almost time for Justin to get to the bus. She plopped a couple of Pop-Tarts in the toaster and went in to wake him up. He looked up at her sleepily and whined a complaint but shuffled out of bed despite being pretty tired from the night before. She got his clothes ready for the day, placed tham at the foot of his bed, and went to the kitchen to get his breakfast. She regretted not being able to make him a proper breakfast, but her limited budget only allowed so much. All that was left for breakfast foods was a half box of Cheerios and the poptarts, so she made due and poured him a tall glass of milk, put the pop-tarts on a plate and set them on the table for when he was ready.
He shuffled out into the kitchen and sat down to his meager meal.
"I'll get your book bag packed for you hun. We're running a bit late this morning," Lisa said to him as she went into his room and gathered all his books and homework from the day before, and quickly stuffed them into his power rangers book bag. And, grabbing his heavy winter jacket that he had already started to outgrow, and headed back to the kitchen. Jamie had still not come home yet, and she was thankful for the time away from him. She assumed he was over his brothers house, whining to him about how horrible she was, and god knows what else, but she really didn't care anymore. She was beginning to become emotionally numb inside. She cared about very little these days.
Only two people in her life meant anything to her at this point, her son and one guy who she had never even met in person yet. "How pathetic is that?" she thought as she made sure she had everything set to go to the bus stop.
Thankfully, they only had to go to the end of their driveway to catch the bus, as they were already running short on time. She was happy to see that last night had not affected Justin's appetite. He had wolfed down the pop-tarts in a matter of minutes. "The poor little guy is so hungry, and I have so little to give him," she thought, yet he never complains.
Her heart broke a little with that thought as she helped him into his jacket and zipped it up to his chin. She put his hat on his head and his mittens on his hands and kissed him gently on the cheek, making her jaw ache again, but she didn't show her pain. She just smiled at him (making it hurt a bit more) and told him she loved him, and to try to do good in school. Then she walked him to the end of the driveway where they waited about 3 minutes. The bus pulled up in front of the house and she watched him get on the bus and drive away. She waved goodbye to him as the bus pulled down Rt.1 and he waved back with his face pressed up against the glass.
She walked back to the house, went to the living room and sat on the couch, and just thought for a while.
"I have to leave Jamie. I know I do. But how? where will I go? what will I do with Justin? Will he hate me if I do? If I stay here we will just all end up on the streets, and that would be even worse!" Little did she know, the decision would be made for her in a matter of days, but till then she stressed about her situation trying to wrack her brain to find a way to pull it off.
It was too early to go to Lori's house just yet. So she decided to see what she could do to hide that nasty bruise on her face. She went to the bathroom and got her coverall. She layered it on nice and thick, and by the time she was done, you could hardly tell there was a bruise there except the slight swelling on her jawbone. But she figured she would just tell lori that it was an abcessed tooth and leave it at that. She put on a little blush, and eyeshaddow, and mascara so as to not make it TOO obvious she was hiding something. She then slapped on some lipstick, and started doing her hair. She tried a couple different styles, but they all seemed to accentuate the swelling on her face, so eventually she gave up and decided to wear it down. She put on a hoodie sweatshirt and decided that hid the swelling pretty well, threw her jacket on, and headed over to Lori's house.
When she got there, Lori had just gotten out of bed and was still in her nightgown. They were best friends, so it didn't really matter much. Lisa sat on her couch, and told her almost everything that had happened (leaving out the beating of course) Lori told her that she needed to leave him, that was certain, but that she really had no way of being able to take care of Justin as she just didn't have the financial means to do it.
"I was afraid you would say that. But I figured it couldn't hurt to ask. I need some way to make sure he will be safe though."
"Why can't you just leave him with Jamie?" she asked, a question born of ignorance obviously, as Lisa had done her best to keep his abusiveness from her. She was embarrassed by it, and it made her feel ashamed.
"I can't do that, he can barely take care of himself, how is he going to care for a child." she said
"I suppose you have a point there." she said.
"I just don't know what I am going to do, Honestly! I know I have to leave, but I have no WAY to leave. Things just get worse by the day, and all I can do is sit helplessly by and watch, as my world crumbles down around my feet."
"I can't imagine how you have managed to hold things together as long as you have, to tell you the truth Lisa." she said. "I mean...if it were me, I would have gone crazy by now."
"Sometimes Lori, I feel like I just might. I really don't know how much stress one person can take before they finally snap, but I feel like I'm skirting dangerously close to that fine line between fantasy and reality. I have been having dark thoughts lately that scare me, and that is not like me, you know that. He has made me into a person I despise, and I hate him for it. He's always yelling at me about how we never have sex anymore, but how can I bring myself to do that, when he treats me so badly? He calls me horrible names, puts me down, tells me I'll never be good at anything, and when I try to share my hopes and dreams with him he shoots them down and calls me stupid and childish. Is it really so childish to want to better myself? Or do you think he is just scared that I actually WILL and that I won't need him anymore, so he discourages me to keep me dependant on him?"
"Personally, I think you hit the nail right on the head with that last statement. He is obviously insecure and childish himself, Lisa, and if you stay with him, he will only bring you down."
"Yes I know, but I have no where else to go."
"You could go to the homeless shelter. I know it's not a great place, but it's a safe roof over your head for now."
"Yeah...I suppose. But how embarrassing would it be for Justin when his friends ask him where he lives? That's no life for a child of his age where image is everything and kids are cruel."
"Yea, but how embarrassing would it be when he has to tell all his friends his mom is in the loony bin? Think about the alternative for a minute."
"Again you are right. I guess that is why I like you so much Lori. you have a good sense of reason, when there seems to be none left in the world."
"Thanks hun. I try," she said, and she gave Lisa a hug.
"Well, I got to get heading to the house. Justin will be back from school soon, and I need to be there when he does. But I will come back once he is home. I'll bring him over so he can play with Cody. Maybe we can have a coffee or something."
"Sure, sounds good. See ya soon."
And with that she walked out her door.
As she walked up to her house she saw that Jamie was back. His old beat up GMC was in the driveway in all it's rusted-out glory, proudly stating the back- woods nature of it's owner. She got a lump in her throat as she opened the door. Her heart sank deep in her chest and she felt her stomach lurch. How she dreaded going in there with that evil man, but she really had no choice.
"Well! It's bout freakin' time you showed up!" he bellowed. "I've been waiting here for nearly 3 hours! Where the hell have you been?"
"Over at Lori's, and please don't start in on me now. I don't feel like dealing with your shit today."
"MY SHIT," he yelled! "YOU HAVE SOME NERVE! After the crap you fed me last night you have the BALLS to tell me you don't want to deal with MY shit! You really ARE a useless CUNT! You know what? I was going to tell you that Tim has agreed to help us out with the rent, and all you can do is WHINE about how I supposedly give you SHIT! You are an ungratefull little BITCH!"
"Jamie, just shut the fuck up already! All you are doing right now is proving to me what an asshole you can be, so just can it and go play your precious Playstation and leave me the fuck alone!" she snapped back.
"THAT'S IT! That is the LAST time you are going to talk to me that way, you fucking CUNT!" And with that he picked up the baseball bat he kept beside the front door and smashed in her already sore face with it.
Her head rang as she felt her back teeth crumble with the impact. She spat the pieces out just before she felt the blackness envelop her. She was out cold. From here on out she wasn't sure what happened exactly, but when her son got home, Jamie was no where to be found, and Lisa was lying in a pool of blood and teeth on the kitchen floor... unconcious. The stove was running (to keep the house warm of course) with the oven door partially open to let out the heat, and there was a deadly silence throughout the house. When she awoke, she was in the hospital...alone.
"Where's Justin!" she yelled! "NURSE! SOMEONE! TELL ME WHERE MY SON IS DAMNIT! I have to get home! He will be getting off the bus soon! I have to be there! Someone help me! Get me out of here!" Her whole head rocked with pain as she yelled, but she was panicked. She didn't care about the pain, all she cared about was getting back to her son.
Just then a nurse came scurrying into her room.
"WHERE'S MY SON!" Lisa demanded
"He is out in the waiting room talking to a member of DHS right now," the nurse said. "You will have to wait to see him maa'm. Please keep still. You took a nasty bump to your face and we were worried about possible head trauma. I'm glad to see that your memory is ok, that's a good sign. But we will still need to run a C.A.T. scan and a couple of tests before we release you."
"I don't care about any stinking tests," she said, now worried at the mention of DHS as she had already gone through the ringer with that blasted agency once before, and the thought of having to go through it again terrified her. "I'll sign a waiver if I have to, just get me the fuck out of here!"
"There's no need to swear maa'm. I will go get the doctor. Just wait right here a moment, ok?" and with that the nurse half walked half ran out the door.
Lisa got up, her head was splitting, and each step caused blinding pain to rocket through her head. Her clothes were neatly folded on the chair beside the bed, but the 6 or 7 feet away seemed more like 6 or 7 miles to her at this point. She struggled to the chair, and slowly began putting her clothes on, shedding the awful hospital gown for her blue jeans and harley tee-shirt. She was putting her sneakers on when the doctor came into the room.
"You should not be out of bed Lisa. You are very seriously hurt right now, and I recommend that you rest for for the time being untill we can assess the damage done to your head. I assure you, we have everything under control here."
"Bullshit! You have my son out there in the waiting room talking to one of those demons from DHS! I'll be damned if i'm going to be twice the victim while you people rip him away from me! You can all go straight to HELL! Now give me the damned waiver so I can take him and get the fuck out of here!" she snapped.
"Since you are an adult, I have no choice but to bring you the waiver, but I strongly recommend against your decision. It will only make things worse."
"I don't give a SHIT! Just bring me the damned waiver!"
With that the doctor left and about 1/2 hour later returned with her waiver. She quickly signed it and rushed to the waiting room where her son was crying, and talking to the social worker from DHS.
"Get the fuck away from my son right now!" Lisa demanded. "Justin, come here sweetie. Mommy's ok. It will be alright."
Justin ran into her arms, the impact wracking pain into her brain, but she didn't let it show. She just held him close, relieved that he was ok.
"Justin, where is Daddy?"
"I dunno," he said "when I came home I found you on the floor and ran across the street to call 911 just like you showed me when I was a little boy. I was scared mommy! I thought you were dead."
She knew he was upset, because it was the only time he ever called her mommy anymore. "Shhh sweetie. I'm ok now. You were such a brave little man. Thank you so much for helping me honey. You're mommy's little man. I love you so much. I'm so sorry you had to see that sweetie. But it's all over now. Mommy will leave daddy, and we can put this all behind us now, ok?"
Just then the social worker interrupted. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this Maa'm but your son is going to have to come with us. It is painfully obvious he is not safe with you."
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE HIM OVER MY DEAD BODY! I JUST SAID I WAS LEAVING THE BASTARD! WHAT MORE DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME! DON'T YOU DARE HURT US AGAIN BY SPLITTING US UP! YOU ARE AN EVIL WOMAN TO EVEN THINK OF DOING SUCH A THING! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!"
"I can see this is going to be a problem, as I thought it might. that is why I had security wait by the door. If I have to I will call them and have you restrained, but I would really rather not have to do that, as your son has already been through enough and I think it would be best if you made this as painless as possible."
"You people are unbeilevable! first I have my head bashed in by a DAMNED BASEBALL BAT!, then you have the nerve to rub salt in my wonds by taking my son away from me? WHY? because someone beat me UP?! this is rediculous! I told you I am leaving the bastard. TONIGHT actually! and yet you sit there and tell me that I am the one who is bad for my son! You have SOME nerve!"
Justin was in tears now as he took all this in. You could see the fear in his eyes, as the pain of losing his mother again came rushing back to him. Lisa's heart broke yet again as she saw the look in his eyes as he stared up at her. "I'm sorry mommy. I didn't know. She said she was my friend. That she was here to help us. I didn't know she would do this mommy, I'm so sorry! I don't want to go mommy, please stop her!"
Lisa broke down in tears and started bawling like a baby. "There's nothing I can do now son. She is set in her ways, and for some insane reason thinks that this is what is best for you. You will be in a better place though Justin. You will be with a new family, and it might hurt for a while, and we will miss each other terrably, but you will be with a new family that will take good care of you. There won't be any more fighting, or hitting, and someday we will find each other again. I love you Justin, please don't ever forget that."
Those words were the hardest words she ever had to say in her life. She felt like she was going to lose her mind at the very thought of them, but as much as she hated to admit it, the social worker was right, she didn't want to have to be restrained for Justin's sake. And she knew from past experiences when DHS gets it in their mind to take your kid, there isn't a damned thing you can do about it.
The social worker thanked her for not causing a scene (for what good it was worth) and left with justin in tow, Justin fighting against her the whole way, screaming for her not to take him. It broke her hear to see him go. And she thought right then that her heart would never be the same again. It had basically been through the equivilent of being ripped out of her chest, thrown in a blender then ran over by a mack truck. For the first time in her life she actually contemplated suicide. (how nice it would be she thought to just end it all so I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore, it's just too painfull for any one person to feel) With that thought she called a cab from the waiting room phone and went home.
Jamie was still gone when she got there (no big suprise, as far as he knew she was probably dead). She turned on the computer and brought up yahoo messenger. She desperately needed Josh right now. Her entire life had just ended in one abrupt explosion of emotional fireworks, and she needed him now more than ever. The pain in her head was intense and the light from the computer screen was making her eyes tear, but she didn't care. All she needed right now was her sweetie josh, and alot of loving to help ease the pain, even if it was only text on a computer screen, his words always seemed to make everything all better.
She IMed him and told him about everything that had happened, and that justin was gone, and her whole life felt like it was gone in one split second. And of course, Josh was very upset by this.
"I hate to say this sweetie, but I had a feeling something like this was going to happen. I'm just glad you are ok, and that you made it out alive. GOD how I wish we could just take off and put this whole mess behind us."
"yes, but I have a shit ton of court crap to go through now. and I know it's not going to be pretty after this last shit to hit the fan. I'll be lucky if I ever see my son again."
And with that she began to cry again, her body wracking with sobs. She was chain smoking now. Since she had been home she had already smoked 8 cigarettes in a 1/2 hour. Her lungs were heavy with tar and her crying made her cough horrible, sending sparks of pain through her throbbing head.
"I don't know what to tell you my love, except that I love you so much and that I have faith in you. I know you will pull through this too. I know it won't be easy, but you are strong...the strongest woman I know. You'll get him back my love, I know you will."
As it came to be, her husband never came back home. He went to live with his brother Tim. Lisa never got her son back. He was eventually adopted through the state, and the day the judgement was made in court that her rights as a mother were to be terminated, she again talked to Josh.
"Well, I am no longer a mother it would seem." she told him as she began to cry again. "The courts just termninated my rights and I have nothing left in my life to hold it together. The glue has all disolved and the pieces are scattered about my feet like a broken vase. I am so lost Josh, what do I do from here? I have nothing left in my life anymore."
"You still have me my love." he said "You will always have me. My love for you is eternal my sweet, and someday I will get the chance to prove it to you. you'll see."
now...maybe her reply was made a bit in haste, maybe it was her need to have SOMETHING in her life that made here feel good for a change, maybe it was selfishness, even she didn't know what posessed her to say what she did next, but what she wrote suprised even her.
"why can't you? I mean, I have nothing left anymore. no son, apparently no husband since he hasn't been back since the incident, why can't I just come get you? Then we can take off and go to Texas? Say fuck it and just do it! what do you think?"
There was a long pause and then he replied..."are you serious? would you really do that?"
"Yes. I'm sick of this life. I want a new one. and I want YOU in it. I want to be with you forever. Just you and me against the world! let's just pack up and say fuck everyone and get our dream sweetie! What do you say?"
Josh seemed overjoyed in his response. "I say HELL YES! When can I expect you to come get me? I'll start packing my bags now!"
"You better, because I'm going to call one of my friends and have him take me there as soon as he possibly can. I'll let you know around what time I will be there when I know more."
"ok my love, I'm so excited, you don't even know! I will finally get to be with my lovely Lisa! I wish you could see the smile on my face right now. You have just made me the happiest man on the planet! I will go pack my bags now."
"Ok sweetie, I will call my friend now and see what he says. I'll let you know what's going on as soon as I'm off the phone with him. ok?"
"ok hun, I'll keep my messages up so I'll see them. I love you baby doll!"
"I love you too my dear sweet Josh. We will be together soon, don't you worry."
"worry, my dear, will no longer be in your vocabulary if I have anything to say about it."
"you are so sweet you make my teeth hurt. lol" she joked with him
he sent a little "hehehe" back in reply, and said "now go make that call. I'll be waiting."
"ok hun. I love you"
She made the call to her friend, told him everything about what had hapened as he had not been around for the worst of it (thank god) and asked him if he would be nice enough to drive her to Pownal VT. to get Josh for her. and then bring her to Cross Roads house (a local shelter in Portsmouth, NH) He agreed, but said he wouldn't be able to do it untill the next morning. Lisa said that would be fine, thanked him profusely, then hung up the phone.
She IMed josh as soon as the phone was in the cradle. "Good news, I leave tomorrow morning to pick you up. we should get there some time around noon time I think." so be ready. make sure your mom knows what is going on, and say your good-byes. I'll leave you to your packing as I know you must have a bit of stuff to go through. 'till then always remember, I love you Josh."
"I will my love. Don't you worry about that. I'm so excited, I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight."
"well, you must try." she said "We will have a long drive ahead of us tomorrow and you will need your rest."
"ok." he replied "I will try. but it's like waiting for christmas to come. lol"
"yea, I know. I doubt I'll be much more successful, but I have twice as long to travel tomorrow, so I really must get stuff ready here and go to bed. I'll talk to you before I leave in the morning though. ok?"
"ok love. good night."
"goodnight."
once she closed the IM, she started packing her duffel bag with the things she would need. She came across the gun she had bought recently. (Hmmm....she thought to herself...If Jamie DOES come back the last thing I need is him tracking me down with this thing, and who knows, maybe I can sell it for a bit of cash once I get to the shelter) so she stuffed it in the very bottom of her bag and proceeded to put her clothes on top of it. She grabbed her brush which still had a few of her red hairs stuck in it, a couple of her pocket knives (when on the road one never knows when a good knife will come in handy after all, be prepared...right?) With that done, she went to bed. she laid there tossing and turning, unable to sleep or contain her excitement. She had butterflys in her stomache. She couldn't believe she was actually going to do this. finally...after hours of tossing and turning, she finally drifted off into the most peacefull sleep she had in years.
She awoke the next morning a bit too early, but still refreshed. She made a pot of coffee, and sat at the computer with her bags next to her, ready to leave the second her friend showed up.
She saw Josh was on, and imed him.
"what are you doing up so early? hehehe. you need your rest silly."
"I slept for a little bit," he said "but like I said last night, it's like waiting for Christmas. I just HAD to get up early to be sure I got your messages."
"You silly man. I love you!. lol my friend won't be here for another 3 hours at least, but I thought I would let you know I will be leaving then roughly."
"ok my love. I'm so excited right now, I fear if I ate anything I might throw up. Hehehe!"
"I know. Me too." she agreed. "It's really going to happen huh? I can barely believe it myself. I hope I don't feel weird around your mom when I come to get you. You are SURE she is ok with all this...right?"
"Oh yea. she doesn't care. she never really did care. It sux growing up with parents that hate you. that is why I want to leave so badly."
"I can relate, you know that well. My mother always hated me growing up too, that is why I left home when I was 14. I just couldn't deal with it any more."
"I know sweetness," he said "You inspire me with your strentgh my love. I can hardly wait 'till I can hold you in my arms, and kiss your lips for the first time. I just know our kiss will be the most passionate kiss in all the world."
"Indeed it will babe. You can count on it."
They talked up untill there was the anticipated knock on the front door, and she said her byes and decided to leave Jamie a little message for when he DID decide to come home. She put a song list up on her media player of all the "Fuck you I'm leaving" songs she could find, and put them on a continuous loop. She climbed into the beat up old ford fairlane with her friend and then headed to Vermont and to what she thought was to be the rest of her destiny.
When she got there, Josh was waiting patiently on the steps of the beat up old trailor. ("god what a dump" lisa thought to herself "he really DOES need to leave this place.") She ran up to him, and he lifted her up into his arms and they kissed like fairytale lovers. touching tongues and feeling the passion between them rise in an undescribeable wave of love. He brought her inside for a moment, while he got his bags together, and while she was waiting, she talked to his mother.
She was a frail waif of a woman that looked like she had been worn hard by booze and drugs. Her skin was stained with tobacco and her voice was raspy.
"I'm here to take your son with me." Lisa said. "I assume Josh told you about our plans."
"yes, he did. That's fine." she said quite matter of factly. she didn't seem at all bothered by the fact she would probably never see her son again. Infact her reaction rather baffeled Lisa. After so recently losing HER son, she couldn't PONDER how a mother could be so non-shalaunt about the whole thing. But Josh DID say she didn't seem to care about him, and her OWN mother had pretty much the same reaction when SHE left home, so she thought nothing of it, and helped josh load his bags into the trunk of the ford, and off they went to Portsmouth.
the whole trip there, they did nothing but kiss and hold each other, telling each other how much they longed for this day to come, and how wonderful their life together was going to be. She told him that it would probably be a bit rough at first, but that their love would see them through anything. And that all they needed was faith and a bit of motivation. Their heads were in the clouds, and full of passion and wonder of the life yet to come. But as all things that seem so perfect, they usually come with a catch.
When they got to the shelter, they had to go through the check-in process. And this is where things started to get a bit weird for Lisa. They sat together at the desk while the clerk took her information, which she gave redily and without incident, but when it came time for Josh to give his, he didn't know ANY of it. Lisa thought that was extremely odd as any 18 year old should at least have his social security number memorized, yet he didn't know it. He didn't even have a copy of it. And it made her begin thinking that maybe Josh hadn't been entirely honest with her.
The clerk however didn't seem to show too much concern other than she thought it a bit weird as well that he didn't know it, but continued on with the rest of the process. asking him where he came from, why he was there, what his situation was ect. and the rest of it went fairly well. They were assigned seperate rooms of course, neither was very happy about it, but they went to bed and the next morning met each other in the kitchen.
"Josh..." lisa said hesitantly, "There has been something bothering me since we checked in last night."
"What is it my love?" he said, The obvious concern showing on his sweet troubled face.
"How come you didn't know your social security number? You should know that info by heart by now."
"well..." he paused "No one ever told me what it was I guess. and I really never thought to ask."
"well...ok." she said truely WANTING to believe him, but inside she knew something wasn't right. But her love for him blinded her to the facts at hand, and her faith that he would never lie to her kept her from asking about it further.
They had breakfast that morning, and they went walking a bit around town. And that afternoon, when they got back to the shelter, the cops were there waiting for them.
"what the HELL is going on!" she demaned "What the HELL didn't you tell me Josh!"
Just then Josh began to cry. he cried like she had cried the day she lost Justin. Lisa's Heart broke to see the tears of such pain on the eyes of the man she loved so dearly. "I'm so sorry my love, I never ment to hurt you or cause you any trouble! I SWEAR! but I DID lie to you. I am not 18."
"OMG! you HAVE to be KIDDING! do you know how much freakin' TROUBLE I can get into here! And to think! I actually thought you were a MAN! Exactly how old ARE you!"
He hung his head, embarrassed and ashamed. "I'm only 14." he said
"HOLY FUCK!" she said! "I'm freakin' screwed! THANK FUCKING CHRIST I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH YOU! JEASUS! OR THIS COULD HAVE BEEN EVEN WORSE! Christ! As it is I'm already looking at federal kidnapping charges! Do you realize that! And now I have to go in there with all those cops and explain how I was duped into taking some 14 year old KID across state lines to New Hampshire with me! Josh, I never thought in a million years that you could ever make me mad at you, but DAMNIT you went and did it! I am so disappointed right now I sould spit on you! After this is over I never want to speak to you again!"
She hated herself for being so cruel to him, but he had certainly put her in what seemed to be an awfully tight spot. But like it or not, she had to face the music. So with head hung low, she went into the office, Josh behind her and got ready to be arrested. She pled her case to the cops, and Josh's father was there too, listening to the whole situation taking it all in as Lisa told them how they had met, and that he told her that he was 18, and how they fell in love and everything, in hopes that the courts would go easy on her. They took Josh into a seperate room and questioned him as well, and when all was said and done Josh's father seemed to have a heart and didn't press charges against Lisa, thankfully. But they took Josh back home and for years she would not hear from him again.
4 years passed and Lisa had gone through more than a few boyfriends in between. One jerk after another, treating her in much the same way as her ex-husband had. And she was currently on the latest boyfriend, George. A native american that seemed almost too good to be true. She was beginning to love him dearly but one day she was going through some e-mail on yahoo (at her new rooming house that she had recently moved into) via a hijacked, local, unsecured wireless connection her beat up old laptop picked up. And found a message from Josh in there. it read:
"I know you probably don't want to hear from me right now, and I wouldn't blame you if you deleted this message without even reading it," it said "But I feel that I owe you the biggest appology in the world and I was not able to give you one that night in Portsmouth as they whisked me away to fast to even talk to you. But here it goes. I know what I did was horribly wrong, and it was the biggest mistake of my LIFE! Had I known it would have got you in so much trouble my love, I never would have done such a thing. I know you must hate me, and I really don't blame you if you do, but it has been killing me inside all these years knowing that I hurt you so badly. I can only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me and that we can at least still be friends, because above all else, the loss of your friendship is what hurts me the most. I took something that was supposed to be cherished and ruined it with lies, and for that I am truely regretful. If I could go back in time and change just one thing it would be that lie I told you when we first met. And I would have told you my real age. I am very sorry my love, and I hope you can forgive me someday."
As she read the e-mail she began to tear up a bit. How sad she felt for him that he would carry that regret around with him for so long. And how it must have killed him inside the whole time. Of course she could forgive him, he was only a kid after all, and kids do stupid things from time to time. So she wrote him back:
"My dearest Josh,
Of course I will forgive you. You were in a terrably horrible place in life, and you were young, and you did the only thing you could to get out of it. I'm not condoning what you did, but I do understand why you did it, and you taught me alot about what real love is, and I thank you for that. To this day I have still not found anyone that I I feel as strongly about, as I did about you. I am currently with a man now, named George who seems to be a close second anyway, but no one can seem to compare to the way you loved me. I try and try to find a man that comes close, and so far...George is about as close as I've come. He treats me well, he buys me things, and takes me out to nice places, and does romantic things with me so, for now I'm happy. Hopefully it will continue to be that way. But you have not lost my friendship Josh. and I will always love you, but as I'm sure you can tell by the letter I can not allow myself to fall in love with you again. But I will always be your friend for life. no matter what happens.
Love always,
Lisa"
and since those two e-mails were exchanged, they remained in touch. George inevitably ended up cheating on her, and she moved to manchester NH to live with a friend, that ended up developing into yet another relationship, but as time would tell he had issues too, and seemed too angry all the time...and with Lisa's past experiences she knew that once the anger came out it was only a matter of time before things went down hill. So again she packed her bags went back to Dover, NH. and moved back in with an old boyfriend in an attempt to try again.
His name was Brad, and he was the bad boy biker type as she always seemed drawn to those days. But he was a relatively decent man, and thought that maybe she left a bit too soon, and figured she would give it another go 'round and try again. She set up her computer once she got all her other stuff in order there, and found another e-mail there from josh.
"How are you my love? I know it's been a while, nearly 2 years actually, but I wanted to write you and tell you I finally made it to Texas! Can you believe it! I'm here baby! My friend Beth helped me with the money to get down here, and I have a roomate named Mia that is helping me with the rent and bills. They are wonderful people and they take good care of me. I hope all is well with you too. And that you have lost of love in your life. That is really all I ever wanted for you. You deserve to be happy My sweet, because you are a truely beautiful person. I hope to hear from you soon so you can tell me all about what has happened in the last couple years. I'm sure you have alot to tell me as it has been so long since we last talked. I miss you sweetie.
forever yours,
Josh"
("well, I'll be damned," she thought to herself "He actually made it the lucky little devil.") so she wrote back to him:
"My dearest Josh,
I have decided to go back to Brad and give it another try. I know I said before that he was angry all the time but I really believe it was just because the money was tight and he was getting a bit stressed out about it. I want to believe he is a nice guy at heart, and he says that he is sorry for the way he acted, so I'm going to try again with him. I am so glad you finally made it to Texas hun. Make our dream come true for me will ya. and promise me you will find some sweet young woman to call your own and ride those horses side by side and give her all the love you can. I am so happy for you sweetie. I only wish I could have made it there too, but my life just has not allowed me to do it. I dunno, maybe someday if things don't work out here I may, but for now, I have to give it a try and see if Brad an I can patch things up first. Love ya sweetie.
Love always,
Lisa"
Well, as luck would have it Brad just went back to his old ways, and less than a year later, they were broken up. But she had lost touch with josh again. he wasn't answering his e-mails anymore, and she was beginning to get worried about him. She found herself thinking of him often, and comparing her boyfriends with him. often finding fault with them when they didn't measure up and eventually leaving to either move into a rooming house, or some other friend's house. She moved from place to place and eventually went back home to Seabrook, NH where she ran into an old school friend of her's, Adam Franz. The two started hanging out often, and she would go over his place to smoke weed and try to forget her troubles, and eventually her and Adam became very close. One day he sat next to her on the couch, gently touched her cheek, and kissed her with a VERY passionate kiss that nearly took her breath away. "What was that for?" she asked.
"Because I felt I just had to kiss you."
"But I told you Adam, I don't get involved with people unless they are my boyfriend, and you told me you were not ready for a relationship."
"well..." he said. "I think you changed my mind."
With that she smiled, and couldn't help but fall for him. That night they went to bed together for the first time and made passionate love. Now...the whole time she had been hanging out with him she had no idea how well off he was. As far as she knew he had a pretty nice car, but she didn't know what it was exactly, he had a nice watch, but she figured it was just some costume jewelry type of thing as she never really LOOKED at it. He was living in a small little duplex with his mother so his house certainly did not give his status away. As far as she knew he was pretty much the same guy she knew back in highschool. Untill one day she had her roomate drive her to Adam's house and he saw his car parked out front. "HOLY FUCK!" her roomate said "THAT'S his CAR!"
Lisa said, "Yea, why? is it a bad one? cuz it looks pretty nice to me?"
"FUCK NO!" her roomate said "That's an $80k mercedes right there! Just how much money does this guy have anyway!"
"I honestly have no idea. I didn't even KNOW it was a mercedes." she said laughing at her own ignorance. "Wow, goes to show how much I care about shit like that. lol I didn't even freakin' know!"
when she went onto adam's house after her roomate dropped her off, she decided to question him about it.
"how come you never told me you were rich?" she asked.
"I thought you KNEW!" he said. laughing at her "I mean I figured it was pretty obvious."
"well, maybe to a gold digger, but for someone who has never been around that kind of thing, it's not really THAT obvious." she said trying to stick up for herself a bit. but feeling very foolish and quite ignorant.
"Well," he said..."It's comforting to know now that you aren't just with me for my money." he said laughing
"You ought to know me better than that adam. I mean how long have you known me! I mean really!" and they both laughtd and kissed and hugged.
So for a little over a year everything was great, she eventually heard back from Josh, and she was happy to report her life was going wonderfully well, better than she had ever hoped and that for once she didn't have to worry about bills, or anything, and she could actually take some time to herself and enjoy a bit of life for a change. She told him about how foolish she felt when she found out the man she had been seeing for over a month was rich and she didn't even KNOW it, and they shared a laugh about that one.
Adam was not the jealous type so he had no problem with her talking to Josh in such a friendly manner. She told him their story (not something she told every boyfriend she had, for sure) and he was ok with it. which made her love him even more. He was the first boyfriend she ever had that didn't try to controll her or manipulate her in some way, and she was beginning to believe that he might actually be the one she had been searching for all these years. but as luck would have it, the other shoe was soon to drop.
He took her aside one day and told her that he was not happy with the relationship and that he thought they should break up. When she asked why, all he could say is "I'm just not as happy as I used to be when I was alone." he said not to worry, that he would make sure she was taken care of, and that he would find her a place to go and give her some money to keep her going till she got a job (which is more than any boyfriend had ever done up untill now as most just kicked her out penniless and on the street)
She told him that despite the fact that she should be very mad, she was not, for at least he was the first boyfriend to ever break up with her the RIGHT way, and that she respected him for that at least. He gave her a thousand dollars and sent her to live with her friend Tammy back in Dover. For 3 weeks she stayed with tammy giving her 100 bucks a week out of the grand she had while trying to find a job in Dover. And as luck would have it, she found another e-mail from Josh. talk about timing! she excitedly opened the e-mail to see what it said:
My darling Lisa,
I am going to college now, and working hard to keep my steady 4.0 grade average, I am studying to become a producer. I just moved into a new and much bigger apartment with Mia, and I have a good job now and things are going better than I had ever hoped, but the move took a bit longer than I expected and that is why I have not been able to e-mail you. I hope you understand. Anyway... I hope you and Adam are doing well, and I was so glad to see that you finally found someone that makes you truely happy. it makes my heart sing to know you are doing well too. I won't be able to stay on-line long tonight as I have a ton of homework to do, but I will try to get on in the morning to see if you wrote back to me or not."
her heart jumped into her throat. Josh was now 21 years old, and they were both single at the same time, this was the perfect opportunity, that she had been waiting all these years for. She will finally be able to go to Texas and be with the one man she had loved so dearly all these years! She could barely contain her excitement! and she KNEW Josh would be absolutely THRILLED with the news.
so she wrote:
"my dearest Josh,
I have some good news and some bad news, so I will give you the bad news first, because once you hear the good news you will probably forget all about the bad news. lol. So here it goes, Adam and I broke up, but he was very sweet about it, he gave me a thousand dollars and set me up here at Tammy's house to stay untill get back on my feet, but honestly, finding a job here has been daunting to say the least, and I have a sinking feeling if I stay here it will only get harder, and eventually the money will run out. But I DO have enough money to afford to go to Dallas, and maybe I might have better luck there finding a job. If you have room for me that is. lol. I am single now, and unless you happened to find a girlfriend since we last talked that you failed to mention, it means we are actually single at the same time, and since I have no real reason to stay in New Hampshire, I thought maybe I might come there to be with my sweetie. Let me know if it is possible, and I will be on the next train to Dallas baby! and so you know...I never stopped loving you for one second. You will always be my true love josh. even if you WERE only 14 when I met you. lol"
for ever and always my love,
Lisa"
His reply came early the next morning. Lisa had sat up all night and into that morning awaiting his reply as she could not sleep a WINK untill she heard from him. her face lit up when she saw the reply:
"Oh MY GOD! pinch me I'm dreaming! Did you really tell me what I think you told me...hold on I have to read that again...DAMN! you DID! HELL YES! You can come here. I'll start getting the house in order for when you get here. When will you be arriving? OMG! I'm so excited! I'm beaming right now, you don't even know! You just made me the happiest man in the world, and I feel I must tell you sdomething Lisa, I have not been in a serious relationship since you and I took off that night. I couldn't help but feel it wasn't right to tell another woman I loved her when I was still completely in love with you. You my love will always be my true love. You always were, and always will be. And I can not WAIT untill I can hold you and kiss you again. And just think! This time it won't be illegal! hehehe! Let me know when you leave and when you will be arriving so I can pick you up at the train station! GOD I LOVE YOU WOMAN! I am so excited right now I can hardly breathe!
Your sweetie,
Josh"
she couldn't help but laugh when she read his reply. It was so great to see him this happy again. It was better than that first day she went to pick him up from Vermont. It made her feel all tingly inside, but she felt she must let everyone in her family know where she is going and what her plans are, and she felt she owed it to Adam to tell him as well, as it was HIS money she was using to get there after all.
Her mother was actually supportive for a change, and didn't seem all too suprised by her decision, but Adam on the other hand was less than thrilled. He kept telling her that she shouldn't be moving to texas so soon after the break up as she had not taken time to grieve. However Adam didn't know the story I am telling you all now, and he didn't know just how long and how BADLY I wanted to go to Texas, and be with Josh. I guess one would have actually had to live the life and know all the little details to truely understand the depth of the love both Josh and I share for each other, and how LONG I had yearned to go to Texas. Adam told me that I was making a rash decision, and that I was crazy for just packing up and moving to Texas with the wounds of the last break up so fresh, and that a decision like the one I made was one made from pain and anger, and no decision made in that manner would ever turn out for the better. But again, he did not know the whole story that I now tell you. So I disreguarded his comments and booked the next train to Dallas Texas. and 2 1/2 days later I pulled up into the station and was finally able to hold my Joshie in my arms again and kiss those sweet lips, and look into his amazingly blue green eyes and finally feel like I was home. No more moving from place to place, no more being miserable, I can now Finally be with the man who had captured my heart so long ago. and live the dream we had planned over 7 years ago. Here we are, together...In Texas, and beginning our wonderfuly happy future here in Dallas. And though we may not have loads of money, we are finally truely happy, and wonderfully in love. and for once in my life I can finally say, I am home, and actually feel like I am speaking the truth.
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Contributor's Note
rather long story, but trust me, it's worth reading. a very heart wrenching tale of how it took my boyfriend and I 7 years to get together, but how we managed to make our dreams come true in the end.
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